Yoga and the Barking Vagina

Yesterday morning I conquered my barking vagina, well, at the very least I avoided rousing her in yoga class. I had not been to yoga for 3 months. When I did go then it was about 10 months after giving birth and I was thrilled to be back in class.  I’m naturally a skinny bitch that has no shame so I was ready to show off my slender post-pregnancy body and make the other women in the class secretly jealous.  Initially, my narcissistic ego boosting was working perfectly and I was feeling like the shit.  I could feel their wicked stares stabbing my tight ass and flat stomach with this stretch and that bend. I was totally in it, breathing deep, keeping up with the instructor, and to be honest I am surprised that my giant ego head did not topple me over during warrior 3. Everything was great until we moved to inversions. Some jumped at the chance to try a handstand, I decided since I hadn’t done this in almost a year, to kept it simple and do a Half Shoulder-stand.  Most of the class scurried to the walls and flipped up side down, practicing a variety of head and handstands while a few others and I proceeded to remain on our mats in the middle of the room. 

On my back, I braced my lower back with my hands and raised my pelvis in the air for a perfect 45degree angle and then proceeded to kick my legs up one by one to achieve my inversion. This is where things went horrible wrong. As my first leg left the ground and was rising up to its perpendicular point, my vagina began gasping for air like a drowning swimmer. It did not make a noise but I felt the cavity where my womb was, expanding like a balloon. So with one leg up and my vagina full of air I decided to throw the other leg skyward and hope for the best.  I achieved success, a perfect Half Shoulder-stand. But very quickly it became apparent my strength is not what it used to be and my muscles began to quake. I realized, “Shit, I’ve got to get down but my vagina’s got a big bubble in it.”  Well, I was trying to figure this problem out still poised in my inversion when my body began giving out on me so fuck it I decided. I did my very best kegel and squeezed everything together in hopes I could come down with a soft landing. My vagina, having a mind of her own, began to bark like a seal while I descended back to my mat. Because most of the class was against the wall, there was no mistaking where these yelp were coming from. The only thing I could do was sit up aghast and give a dirty glair to the poor woman closest to me. Luckily, she was lying flat with her eyes closed so she didn’t see me but I don’t think I fooled anyone. 

I still finished the class. I had to. Getting up and leaving with tears streaming down my face  from embarrassment like I wanted to would be an admission of guilt. Once class ended, I did however scurry out and race to my car swearing I would never return.  It may have taken 3 months but I did go back to yoga. Although in a different class now, I learned a valuable lesson, try to avoid inversions shortly after giving birth because even skinny bitches can have a barking vagina.